This is a day for the history books!

I grew up in a prodominately white area. In elementary school, I spent the first three years being the only black girl for the entire grade. So my foundation for making friends has never been based on skin color. Growing up in this type of environment has caused for plenty of people to ask me questions about race... If I even see skin color, how do I identify with people, do I feel like I fit in... Things like that. I can remember having conversations with my dad and being totally shocked that he couldn't understand my "color-blindness". My dad was not a racist man, he just grew up with a little more awareness of skin..


For example, my dad would tell me stories about how as a child, he couldn't walk all the way down his street because there were chains separating the black side from the white. He would tell me stories about not being able to have the same freedoms as other kids because of his skin color.

Today is a day that I wish my dad was still alive for. History has been made and that means so much for me and this country. I really don't care about politics or even who you voted for. Please celebrate the fact that history has been made and people who once were cleared off of busy public streets with fire hoses are now able to be elected into the leadership of our great country.

Barack Obama is not my savior. Only Christ has that role. I do not believe he has the power to fix the world's issues. I also don't agree with every policy that he stands for. I do believe he has provided a sense of hope for those who have always been told they won't make it... No matter who or what they are. I do think its good to have a change in office. I am praying for our new leader and that no matter what, God would be glorified.

It feels good to be a part of history.

Palm Trees

The righteous flourish like the palm tree and grow like a cedar in Lebanon. They are planted in the house of the Lord; they flourish in the courts of our God. They still bear fruit in old age; they are ever full of sap and green, to declare that the Lord is upright; He is my rock and there is no unrighteousness in Him. ~ Psalm 92:12-15

I first came across this verse in the beginning of the school year... about a week before classes started. I love the picture that it paints of these majestic and tall palm trees. When I lived in Ohio, palm trees always reminded me of vacation. Typically because I only saw these types of trees when I went down to Florida for spring break or some other get-a-way. They always struck me because they were so different from the trees I was so used to seeing...so exotic and unique. Once I moved out west I saw them everywhere and it was kind of exciting.

I began to pray Psalm 92:12-15 for our students at Cal State Long Beach. I desire for them to flourish like these majestic trees I see strewn about Southern California. I ask that they would continue to stand tall in their faith when they face adversity on campus. I hope that they would remain rooted and continue to bear fruit even in old age. I pray that their walk tells of how the Lord is their rock and that He upholds them.

I'm claiming this verse for the students of Cal State Long Beach... would you claim it with me?

Thanks for reading and thanks for praying. Please continue to pray as a new semester is starting up on campus.

Homesick? Maybe...

I laughed at myself as I drove onto the 71-N entrance ramp from Rookwood... I thought about how I planned to move from Clifton to Oakley, get a cute 1-bedroom apt and work for a non-profit organization somewhere. I had everything planned and was somewhat excited about it. Little did I know that God would take me somewhere drastically different. The thought of actually leaving Cincinnati NEVER crossed my mind. During all of this thought process, I have had to fight the temptation to believe I had it so much better when living in Cincinnati. I look at the example of the children of Israel who always claimed that had it better way back when... especially when they were facing large tests of faith.

I picture myself standing at the water's edge. The water is rushing by and I don't know how to swim. I know I have to make it across, but honestly, there's no way to get over there. I keep hearing a voice telling me to trust because He can get me to where I need to be, but in true human fashion, I'm hesitant. Will I trust the Lord to stop the flow so that I can cross safely? Am I willing to even take the necessary steps? Or do I want to just sit on the bank and look back through clouded lenses attempting to convince myself that life was much better way back when...

At this moment, I don't want to leave to go back to Long Beach. Nothing against it... I do enjoy living out west... I think I'm just extremely sad to leave what I have here. I've been able to spend time with my best friends from college, re-live TONS of memories and do all the things I miss doing now that I'm with different people on the west coast. I'm going to desperately miss my family... my precious nephews Amir and Michael and my sister Dalena... This was probably the best time I've ever had at home and it flew by way to quickly.

Highlights from Cincinnati:
-I will never ever grow sick of eating Skyline Chili
-Watching my nephew Michael work his tiny fist mostly into his mouth and listening to him babble away at himself as he slowing rocks to sleep in his swing.

-Witnessing my six year old sports star of a nephew sink the ball at his Finneytown Little Cats basketball game
-Sitting at Mac's re-living the past and having a fabulous time in the present
-Photobooth pics in Lexington with Bizcuit :)
-Visiting my Grandaddy who will never cease to amaze me
-Kate, Emily, Linds, Jeff, Rich, Matt, Nick, Adam, CJ, Betsey, Dan, Doug, Katie... everyone.. its always fabulous to get time with these people
-Actually being present while one of my friends gets engaged... Congrats Emily and Doug!!!


Things I'm hopeful for in '09:
-emotional healing from deep deep past hurts
-close friendships outside of my Navs network
-to be known like (or somewhat like) I am when I'm in Cincinnati
-a church to call home
-new friendships on CSULB's campus
-more bible readings in the dorms
-more conversations about Christ and how He impacts life
-watching some pretty key girls that I'm really stoked about grow and become more excited in their walk with Christ

I'm sure there's more and I'll be sure to blog about it in a couple of months...

Anyway, thanks for reading. You stay classy, Cincinnati ;)

Beloved.

Time for an update... perhaps this will be a little less emotionally charged and bit more positive? I'm also going to throw in a couple of things I've been learning, walking through and getting excited about.

If I could rename myself, I would pick the name "Chemdah", which is "beloved" when transliterated from the Old Testament Hebrew. This is how I feel God addresses me when He really wants to drive home a point into my heart. Recently, He wanted me to know within my heart was how deeply loved I am. Sure, I can say to you God loves me because He sent Christ to die for the atonement of my sins. I do believe this in my heart and it does speak to me, but I want to hear God tell me Himself how He loves me. During Fast Friday, I wrestled with a statement told to me by a counselor. She said that I don't understand true love and I've had lots of experiences that show me wrong/inferior examples of love. Despite how much this hurt, I know parts of it are true.

From my journal:

"Beloved,
Let us love one another, for love is from God and whoever loves has been born of God and knows God. Anyone who does not love does not know God because GOD IS LOVE. In this the love of God was made manifest among us, that God sent His only Son into the world, so that we might live through Him. In this is love, not that we have loved God but that He loved us and sent His Son to be propitiation for our sins...So we have come to know and to believe the love that God has for us. GOD IS LOVE, and whoever abides in love abides in God, and God in him." 1 John 4:9-10, 16.

So I was reminded that I know love. And no only that, but I live in love. Please continue to pray for me as I deepen my understanding of real love, true love and how much God loves me.

Other updates:

Life:

• Things are alright for me. As I briefly mentioned earlier, I've been meeting with a counselor. Lots of things have happend in my twenty-four years of life and I honestly just came to the realization that what I've walked through is NOT normal. Each individual life event I've experinced is enough to take out a person... all of them combined is pretty much insane and only sustainable because of God's grace. My tattoo rings true. I definitely walk because of God's grace.

• My roommates are PHENOMENAL. I love them so much and I'm soooo greatful for them. On Monday, December 8th (I think) we're going to the Christmas tree lot and picking up our house tree! A REAL TREE!!! This will be a first for me... for as long as I can remember, I've had an artificial tree...besides last year when Sarah and I had a cactus... :)
  

Ministry:

• S.P.O.M :Sleep-over Parties Once Monthly. Our ladies are creative! Nov 21 was our first girl's night. After Fast Friday we had a sleep over that included playing games and getting to know each other. Many of our ladies who come to Nav Nite have the chance to see each other around on campus, but have yet to truly interact with one another. We created a once a month time to get together to seriously get into one another's lives. I'm definitly excited for these times.
  
• Bible readings: Emily and I have had the amazing opportunity to meet up with a gal and read through a chapter of the Bible together. These times create great conversation and tons of challenging questions. We are both excited to keep these going through out the rest of the school year.
  

I'm sure there are more things to update on, but right now its getting late and I need to get ready to drive back to LBC in the morning. Thanks again for continually keeping me in your thoughts and prayers. If you want to hear about more of my processing, please feel free to get in contact with me.

Good has to happen out of brokeness.

"Just as bread needs to be broken in order to be given, so, too, do our lives." - "Becoming the Beloved" Henri Nouwen

Brokenness is such a weird thing. Until I read the above quote, I believed it was something of evil. I hate being broken. I hate not understanding. I hate knowing that I'm broken and feeling like I'm the only one with junk. I'm learning though, if I want to make a difference in this world, I HAVE to be broken. I have to break now so that I can give away later. I want to give of myself out of healthiness not selfishness.

These past few days have not been easy. Painful memories have been brought up and I've been told that I must dig through them to understand my brokenness. In them lies the root of my various issues. I was told by a therapist once that I'm a stuffer. When I experience something painful, I immediately begin to do what I can to stuff it down so as to never deal with it again. Plenty of people have called me strong. They look at what I've experienced and shake their heads wondering if they would ever be able to make it through what I've gone through at such a young age. Honestly, I can't handle it when I'm told I'm strong. It makes me feel as if when I'm having a hard day, I can't show how I feel. If I want to walk around all day in a mess of tears, I can't because I'm strong. Or on those days when I just want to run my fist through a wall, I must keep my composure. I'm too strong to crumble.

I'm broken. I'm crumbling. I can't handle it anymore. I've learned though that one day, this will be used for good. One day, I'll be a woman where people see me and feel encouraged because I've taken this time to deal with my pain. I will impact the world, hopefully in a positive way.

Right now, nothing is positive and everything hurts.

I'm attempting to cling on to hope. Please pray for me as I do this...

He turns rivers into a desert, springs of water into thirsty ground, a fruitful land into a salty waste, because of the evil of its inhabitants. He turns a desert into pools of water, a parched land into springs of water. And there he lets the hungry dwell, and they establish a city to live in... Psalm 107:33-36

It's Fall

Fall....

If I were at home, I would see the beauty that Fall has to offer... the trees turn exquisite shades of yellow, orange and red. These wonderful leaves begin to blanket the ground and turn crisp. I normally step out of my way to step on the crunchiest leaf of all, just to hear it crackle beneath my feet. I miss the smell of fall. It smells of bonfires and hot chocolate. When the weekends come around, you can hear bass drums in the air from all of the marching bands beating out their football team's fight song. Hoodies are needed... sometimes, at night breath becomes visible in the air... it's apparent that God designed this season to signify a shedding of what was once before to prepare for what is to come.

I think fall is developing new meaning for me because it currently represents my life. Walls that were once built to self-protect are falling down. Masks that were once worn are breaking apart and falling away. I've been told by my wise roommate, Valerie, that I'm entering into a time to allow myself to finally grieve over what I've lost. I now get to deal with my past, break habits and watch God prepare me for what is to come. This time for me is hard and it doesn't look like anything I've ever experienced before. This is a precious time to truly look at myself for who I am and realize who God sees when He looks at me.

So, what else do you need to know? Well, things look different for me in the world of ministry. I'm not leading bible studies this semester. I'm taking a break from much of the heavy out-pouring I was giving and focusing more on the input I will be receiving. I may not have many blogs about the cool experiences I am having on campus. Many of the things I write here may shock you... but know that they are shocking me as they are revealed to me. I am excited to go through this time, as difficult as it may be... hmmm... that may be a lie. I think I'm more excited for the outcome of this time. Things are changing for the best. It just takes a process to get to that point. So please pray with me and for me as I walk through this time of "fall".

As always, thanks for reading and praying. Love and miss you all in Tempe & Cincinnati.

Thursdays = Office Parties :)

So... if you know me, you know I LOVE being with people. Constantly. And I love hanging out with friends and having new people join the party.

With this being said... I had a BLAST watching The Office on Thursday in N Building. Not only was Thursday's episode amazing... yay for PB & J (Pam Beasley and Jim, thank you Monique), it was just a really cool time of meeting new people and simply "being" around them. No need to perform. No need to have anything rehearsed come out of my mouth. No need for attempting to achieve anything. We all were able to "be" with each other. I like that.

Each Thursday is going to be an Office party. Show up around 9ish and be ready to "be" with people. It'll be a good time. (except for this Thursday... the Vice-Presidential debate will be on)