"Just as bread needs to be broken in order to be given, so, too, do our lives." - "Becoming the Beloved" Henri Nouwen
Brokenness is such a weird thing. Until I read the above quote, I believed it was something of evil. I hate being broken. I hate not understanding. I hate knowing that I'm broken and feeling like I'm the only one with junk. I'm learning though, if I want to make a difference in this world, I HAVE to be broken. I have to break now so that I can give away later. I want to give of myself out of healthiness not selfishness.
These past few days have not been easy. Painful memories have been brought up and I've been told that I must dig through them to understand my brokenness. In them lies the root of my various issues. I was told by a therapist once that I'm a stuffer. When I experience something painful, I immediately begin to do what I can to stuff it down so as to never deal with it again. Plenty of people have called me strong. They look at what I've experienced and shake their heads wondering if they would ever be able to make it through what I've gone through at such a young age. Honestly, I can't handle it when I'm told I'm strong. It makes me feel as if when I'm having a hard day, I can't show how I feel. If I want to walk around all day in a mess of tears, I can't because I'm strong. Or on those days when I just want to run my fist through a wall, I must keep my composure. I'm too strong to crumble.
I'm broken. I'm crumbling. I can't handle it anymore. I've learned though that one day, this will be used for good. One day, I'll be a woman where people see me and feel encouraged because I've taken this time to deal with my pain. I will impact the world, hopefully in a positive way.
Right now, nothing is positive and everything hurts.
I'm attempting to cling on to hope. Please pray for me as I do this...
He turns rivers into a desert, springs of water into thirsty ground, a fruitful land into a salty waste, because of the evil of its inhabitants. He turns a desert into pools of water, a parched land into springs of water. And there he lets the hungry dwell, and they establish a city to live in... Psalm 107:33-36
Friday, October 10, 2008
Thursday, October 2, 2008
If I were at home, I would see the beauty that Fall has to offer... the trees turn exquisite shades of yellow, orange and red. These wonderful leaves begin to blanket the ground and turn crisp. I normally step out of my way to step on the crunchiest leaf of all, just to hear it crackle beneath my feet. I miss the smell of fall. It smells of bonfires and hot chocolate. When the weekends come around, you can hear bass drums in the air from all of the marching bands beating out their football team's fight song. Hoodies are needed... sometimes, at night breath becomes visible in the air... it's apparent that God designed this season to signify a shedding of what was once before to prepare for what is to come.
I think fall is developing new meaning for me because it currently represents my life. Walls that were once built to self-protect are falling down. Masks that were once worn are breaking apart and falling away. I've been told by my wise roommate, Valerie, that I'm entering into a time to allow myself to finally grieve over what I've lost. I now get to deal with my past, break habits and watch God prepare me for what is to come. This time for me is hard and it doesn't look like anything I've ever experienced before. This is a precious time to truly look at myself for who I am and realize who God sees when He looks at me.
So, what else do you need to know? Well, things look different for me in the world of ministry. I'm not leading bible studies this semester. I'm taking a break from much of the heavy out-pouring I was giving and focusing more on the input I will be receiving. I may not have many blogs about the cool experiences I am having on campus. Many of the things I write here may shock you... but know that they are shocking me as they are revealed to me. I am excited to go through this time, as difficult as it may be... hmmm... that may be a lie. I think I'm more excited for the outcome of this time. Things are changing for the best. It just takes a process to get to that point. So please pray with me and for me as I walk through this time of "fall".
As always, thanks for reading and praying. Love and miss you all in Tempe & Cincinnati.