"Just as bread needs to be broken in order to be given, so, too, do our lives." - "Becoming the Beloved" Henri Nouwen
Brokenness is such a weird thing. Until I read the above quote, I believed it was something of evil. I hate being broken. I hate not understanding. I hate knowing that I'm broken and feeling like I'm the only one with junk. I'm learning though, if I want to make a difference in this world, I HAVE to be broken. I have to break now so that I can give away later. I want to give of myself out of healthiness not selfishness.
These past few days have not been easy. Painful memories have been brought up and I've been told that I must dig through them to understand my brokenness. In them lies the root of my various issues. I was told by a therapist once that I'm a stuffer. When I experience something painful, I immediately begin to do what I can to stuff it down so as to never deal with it again. Plenty of people have called me strong. They look at what I've experienced and shake their heads wondering if they would ever be able to make it through what I've gone through at such a young age. Honestly, I can't handle it when I'm told I'm strong. It makes me feel as if when I'm having a hard day, I can't show how I feel. If I want to walk around all day in a mess of tears, I can't because I'm strong. Or on those days when I just want to run my fist through a wall, I must keep my composure. I'm too strong to crumble.
I'm broken. I'm crumbling. I can't handle it anymore. I've learned though that one day, this will be used for good. One day, I'll be a woman where people see me and feel encouraged because I've taken this time to deal with my pain. I will impact the world, hopefully in a positive way.
Right now, nothing is positive and everything hurts.
I'm attempting to cling on to hope. Please pray for me as I do this...
He turns rivers into a desert, springs of water into thirsty ground, a fruitful land into a salty waste, because of the evil of its inhabitants. He turns a desert into pools of water, a parched land into springs of water. And there he lets the hungry dwell, and they establish a city to live in... Psalm 107:33-36