Experiences teach us so much.... so does letting your guard down. I'm amazed at what it looks like to finally say, "Okay, I give up." For the past nine years I filled my life with hate and confusion. I made vows to never trust or love her again. I spent all this time being bitter and walking around with a huge chip on my shoulder because she's wronged me in the past and she must know how much it hurts. Even with a huge loss in our lives, I still attempted to do things out of my own strength and not out of love. I hurt her more than I can ever imagine and random acts of kindness cannot heal those wounds.
This summer has taught me what it looks like to pray and trust God with your prayers. It has only been 5 weeks, but I feel like I've experienced tremendous healing. I could chalk it up to circumstance and say that's the reason why things are going the way they have been. I think it would be better to let the Lord get the glory out of this one. I've looked at our interactions objectively and seen what's really being communicated. At times there was fear... which I've easily mistaken for anger and judgment. There was frustration at outside events that I took as a personal hatred. There was the needed alone time that I had intruded upon, yet took the reaction as a message of disdain. I've realized that over the years, I would stand on my soap box and scream about how grace + acceptance = love. I never included forgiveness. At times I would get frustrated but comfort myself by saying that I'm being the bigger person because I chose to walk away... yet I held onto my anger for her and let it grow very ugly things in my heart. I could smile at my actions knowing that I didn't throw the first or last punch... yet I still reminded myself of why I hated her and kept the secret anger inside.
Now I love because she's all that I have. I forgive because He forgave us and holding onto anger belittles the grace that Our Savior bestows upon us daily. I've accepted her for her faults and cherish the things that make us more similar than I, at times, would like to think we are. I'm sad that I won't be around for new life changes. I'm glad that we learned how to talk and treat one another like adults. I praise the Lord because a few years ago... er... a few months ago, I never would have written this blog.
Please take this as my apology. Know that I'm finally growing and letting the Lord make things right.
I love you sister.
"And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh." Ezekiel 36:26b