No more disclaimers. All of my blogs will be long and probably filled with ramblings. I'm working out a lot and still want you to be apart of it... hence why I'm publishing all of my thoughts online. If you want to read on, please feel free. Also, please pray for me... that all of this will be figured out, or at least I will find great joy in this process and fall deeper in love with our Creator.
I said in my last post that I was trying to figure out this whole being "satisfied in Christ" deal. I mentioned how I constantly run to things that never satisfy or temporarily satisfy, only to find myself empty and wanting more. These things I run to can never fill me up, yet again, I continue to turn to them...
I'm sitting in Lux, this really cool coffee shop in Phoenix, and I realized I haven't spent much processing time with God. I've been literally running around the country, bouncing from state to state doing various activities. All of this has been great, but it's left me distracted and feeling a bit dried up. I have been attempting to deeply read through the book of Hosea. I opened up and quickly my eyes bounced to Hosea 3:3. It says, "And I said to her, 'You must dwell as mine for many days. You shall not play the whore, or belong to another man; so will I be also to you." The book of Hosea is beautiful because its about Hosea, a minor prophet who was commanded by God to marry a prostitute. He marries this woman who is obviously unfaithful to him. Yet he continues to chase after her and redeem her from her shallow realm of prostituting. God uses Hosea to represent His own love for the world. He loves us and continues to take us back even though we are constantly "cheating" on Him with things of the world... money, sex, material possessions, gambling... whatever it is that distracts us from God... Anyway, Hosea reclaims his wife after she yet again gets mixed up into selling herself to things that will never satisfy her. I read this passage today and realized I need to continue to find my satisfaction in the Lord. He's the only one who can truly fill and satsify EVERY need.
The rest of my processing time led me to realize I run to things not of the Lord because that, for the most part, is all I understand. Like Hosea's wife who did not truly understand to find love in her faithful husband... I don't fully understand or grasp how much the Lord truly loves me...us... all of His creation. I spend my days daydreaming of my wedding day or the time I first meet my husband... or other crap like that. I confess, for the past few years, I have been struggling with why I want these things so badly. I just turned 23. I'm not very old. Why do I long to be settled down? Why am I not happy with my freedom I have? I get to meet people, move around the country, travel the world, give away my life to others. Not that I can't do these things when I'm married.... I just have more time/freedom to do them now, since I'm single. Anyway, all of this rambling will have a point, which I will probably come to now. I don't trust in the Lord as deeply as I should. That's hard to write and publish online... but since I'm feeling bold, I might as well share with the world that I don't always trust in the Lord like I need to. I can proclaim to others how much they need to trust the Lord... yet I don't always do it myself. No, I don't mean to be a hypocrit (is that spelled correctly??? idk)... but anyway, I'm human and I do tend to do the things I wish I did not. I fear many things in this life... one being that the Lord will not provide for my deepest desires... i.e: a husband to love me for all the craziness that I am. Another fear being that I will not live long enough to experience all that I wish to. I have seen so many people be called home to the Lord at such young ages. This is my realm of understanding. Because they have lost their lives so young, I will as well. God wrote His own specific plan for each and every one of us. We are NOT all the same. We are all unique. That's the beauty of life. We don't have to follow the same plan or walk the same path. Many will do similar things and have lives that look similar, but that does not mean we all live the same lives. I am not the same as all of those who have gone on before me. God will work out His plan the way He sees fit. I need to trust that, despite my shallow realm of understanding.
The author of Hebrews writes in chapter 12, "Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurnace the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God." I need to lay aside my fears... they're irrational anyway... and I need to run with endurance what God has set before me. Not knowing the plan for my life is scary. Following my own plan for life would be even worse. Today was eye opening. I feel encouraged. I'm glad that I'm discovering this journey of discovery.
I have no idea if this is encouraging to you. I'm just glad you took the time to read it. Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying.
"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowlege Him and He will make your paths straight." Proverbs 3:5-6