satisfied?

There might be more added to this post as I continue to process through something God has brought to my attention. Just so you know, this is some of my processing that isn't all the way finished and might not make much sense. If you want to process with me, read on. If you want to pray for and with me, please do. Thanks for reading and listening to me externally figure out hard things in my life.

I learned during my time in Manila, that I'm never satisfied and I'm not appreciative. This is something I've noticed, but I have never really explored before. I reallized I am always searching for something new. Once I get this "something new" it quickly becomes "something old" and then I loose my appreication for it. Again, I'm unsatisfied and thus begins my sick cycle of looking for something to once again fill me up and give me the satisfaction I desire.

I sat in church this morning and listened to Pastor Justin share his heart about the true vision behind Praxis Church. This Sunday, we focused on why he preaches the Good News in every sermon. We spent time looking at how the Bible tells us of Christ from Genesis 3 to the very last page of Revelation. We even discussed how daily we need to preach the Gospel to ourselves. Christ was crucified for our sinful nature and defeated death by rising again. This is seriously the best news we COULD EVER HEAR. Sin has been DEFEATED!!! Yet for some reason, knowing this and beliving this somehow does not feel like it is enough. If you look at my life, you could see that I search for something else to suppliment Christ. The Savior of my soul, my Redeemer, the Innocent Lamb whose blood was shed instead of mine... yeah, sometimes that just doesn't fill me. Rather, I don't LET it fill me. That is sad. This SHOULD make me satisfied. Knowing that I'm redeemed because I have placed my faith in the One and Only who can SAVE me should make me do backflips up and down the street while singing praises to His name. Yet I find myself wanting things of this world... a better car, better clothes, more money, a job that doesn't require me to be humbled by asking people to partner with me finanically... these are things that will NEVER satisfy.

I think I'm going to spend the rest of today and probably this semester praying about and trying to grasp what satisfaction truly looks like. I'm sick of looking to the world to find something I was never meant to find there. I want Jesus to satisfy me... completely. Pastor Justin said it best today. He mentioned that sin is saying we need Jesus and something else along side of Him because He isn't enough. That would be like saying, You need Jesus and to indulge yourself into looking thinner because that's where you find true happiness and real life. Or like saying You need Jesus and to indulge yourself sexually with someone because you will never know true love unless you are giving yourself physically that way to another person. No. All of this stops now. I lay all of these things at the foot of the cross. I need Jesus and only Jesus. In Him is where I get my satisfaction. In Him I am redeemed, saved, made new, forgiven, and not the same Michelle I used to be in the past.

I challenge you as I have challenged myself in looking into where you find your "satisfaction." Is it letting you down? Is it something that seems to go well for a while but then changes? Search for something that is everlasting and unchanging. Seek out Christ. Seeking the Lord is a battle. There will be times where you may fall and you feel like you've failed. God is unchanging. It seems to me that following Christ is something worth battling through and striving for. If it was easy and shallow, would it really fill you in the way you need it to? Christ paid the penalty so that you can be redeemed and share in eternal glory with Him one day. Find something real and be satisfied.

"Let this old life crumble, let it fade. Let this new life offer be your saving grace. Let this old life crumble, let it fade. Let it fade." - Jeremy Camp "Let it fade"

Even one raindrop raises the ocean...

I got on my email today and saw that I had a comment on Friendster, from one of the Filipino students I met this summer. She had left me this picture comment that had a pic of the ocean and the words, "When you think you can't make a difference, remember that one raindrop raises the ocean." Now, as cheesy as it sounds, it was encouraging to see. I have been feeling like that I didn't make much an impact in Manila but I guess more was done than I'll ever know.

Now I'm sitting in Tempe, not on campus, but at home because I have to finish my fundraising. Not being fully funded is really stressful. Its been so hard for me to focus on something like this... even though its extremely important for me to be fully funded... I just want to be on campus, attending welcome week and doing all the things that everyone else is doing. I feel like nothing is settled in my life because I don't have all of my funding in place. I simply don't know what to do anymore. I've talked with people. I've sent out letters. I've made phone calls.... I still only have 57%. God is still good. If He plans for me to be out here the entire school year, the money will come. I'm confident in that. God works so powerfully and in ways I'll never understand. I know that full well. I just wish things didn't have to look the way they do right now.

Anyway, enough rambling for now. Hopefully soon, I'll have more to post about things on campus, exciting people I've met, and everything else that's been happening in my life.