satisfied?

There might be more added to this post as I continue to process through something God has brought to my attention. Just so you know, this is some of my processing that isn't all the way finished and might not make much sense. If you want to process with me, read on. If you want to pray for and with me, please do. Thanks for reading and listening to me externally figure out hard things in my life.

I learned during my time in Manila, that I'm never satisfied and I'm not appreciative. This is something I've noticed, but I have never really explored before. I reallized I am always searching for something new. Once I get this "something new" it quickly becomes "something old" and then I loose my appreication for it. Again, I'm unsatisfied and thus begins my sick cycle of looking for something to once again fill me up and give me the satisfaction I desire.

I sat in church this morning and listened to Pastor Justin share his heart about the true vision behind Praxis Church. This Sunday, we focused on why he preaches the Good News in every sermon. We spent time looking at how the Bible tells us of Christ from Genesis 3 to the very last page of Revelation. We even discussed how daily we need to preach the Gospel to ourselves. Christ was crucified for our sinful nature and defeated death by rising again. This is seriously the best news we COULD EVER HEAR. Sin has been DEFEATED!!! Yet for some reason, knowing this and beliving this somehow does not feel like it is enough. If you look at my life, you could see that I search for something else to suppliment Christ. The Savior of my soul, my Redeemer, the Innocent Lamb whose blood was shed instead of mine... yeah, sometimes that just doesn't fill me. Rather, I don't LET it fill me. That is sad. This SHOULD make me satisfied. Knowing that I'm redeemed because I have placed my faith in the One and Only who can SAVE me should make me do backflips up and down the street while singing praises to His name. Yet I find myself wanting things of this world... a better car, better clothes, more money, a job that doesn't require me to be humbled by asking people to partner with me finanically... these are things that will NEVER satisfy.

I think I'm going to spend the rest of today and probably this semester praying about and trying to grasp what satisfaction truly looks like. I'm sick of looking to the world to find something I was never meant to find there. I want Jesus to satisfy me... completely. Pastor Justin said it best today. He mentioned that sin is saying we need Jesus and something else along side of Him because He isn't enough. That would be like saying, You need Jesus and to indulge yourself into looking thinner because that's where you find true happiness and real life. Or like saying You need Jesus and to indulge yourself sexually with someone because you will never know true love unless you are giving yourself physically that way to another person. No. All of this stops now. I lay all of these things at the foot of the cross. I need Jesus and only Jesus. In Him is where I get my satisfaction. In Him I am redeemed, saved, made new, forgiven, and not the same Michelle I used to be in the past.

I challenge you as I have challenged myself in looking into where you find your "satisfaction." Is it letting you down? Is it something that seems to go well for a while but then changes? Search for something that is everlasting and unchanging. Seek out Christ. Seeking the Lord is a battle. There will be times where you may fall and you feel like you've failed. God is unchanging. It seems to me that following Christ is something worth battling through and striving for. If it was easy and shallow, would it really fill you in the way you need it to? Christ paid the penalty so that you can be redeemed and share in eternal glory with Him one day. Find something real and be satisfied.

"Let this old life crumble, let it fade. Let this new life offer be your saving grace. Let this old life crumble, let it fade. Let it fade." - Jeremy Camp "Let it fade"

Even one raindrop raises the ocean...

I got on my email today and saw that I had a comment on Friendster, from one of the Filipino students I met this summer. She had left me this picture comment that had a pic of the ocean and the words, "When you think you can't make a difference, remember that one raindrop raises the ocean." Now, as cheesy as it sounds, it was encouraging to see. I have been feeling like that I didn't make much an impact in Manila but I guess more was done than I'll ever know.

Now I'm sitting in Tempe, not on campus, but at home because I have to finish my fundraising. Not being fully funded is really stressful. Its been so hard for me to focus on something like this... even though its extremely important for me to be fully funded... I just want to be on campus, attending welcome week and doing all the things that everyone else is doing. I feel like nothing is settled in my life because I don't have all of my funding in place. I simply don't know what to do anymore. I've talked with people. I've sent out letters. I've made phone calls.... I still only have 57%. God is still good. If He plans for me to be out here the entire school year, the money will come. I'm confident in that. God works so powerfully and in ways I'll never understand. I know that full well. I just wish things didn't have to look the way they do right now.

Anyway, enough rambling for now. Hopefully soon, I'll have more to post about things on campus, exciting people I've met, and everything else that's been happening in my life.

Being Content...

So I know you're probably wanting to read something that summarizes my time from The Philippines. Well... right now, I just can't write about that. My time there was great, but I simply have not had all the freedom to freely process the way I need to. I've been consumed with my fund raising situation.

God is good. Incredibly good. I learned a lot this summer about His sovereignty. We experience circumstances that we don't understand. The crazy thing is, we instead turn to God and yell at Him about how this is not the situation we wanted to be in. At least that's something I do regularly. I ask and I don't receive in the way I believe I should. Then I quickly turn into some what of a petulant child and throw a hissy fit, telling God, (The Almighty Creator of the Universe) how He should be acting in my life. Craziness. That is probably one of the most ridiculous things I could ever do. God is God and He knows what He is doing.

In the book of Job, we can read about how his faith is tested to unbelievable levels. I mean he's lost his house, children, livelihood... everything. Not to mention he develops boils on his body and has a wife who isn't necessarily standing behind him. He responds to her saying, "You are talking like a foolish woman; Shall we accept good from God and not trouble?" (Job 2:10) When I first read that passage, it made me truly think about God and how He uses both the good and bad in our lives to help us see His glory and walk even closer with Him. Well now I will pray that I will be content in all circumstances. I have no idea what's going on with my funding situation. "Should I stay or should I go now?" Please pray for me. Raising funds is probably one of the hardest aspects of the job that I've fallen so deeply in love with.

Not only do I ask you to pray for me, but please pray for the A.S.U Nav Staff. We need it. We need to know how to be content in every circumstance. Last night, I read in Mark what seems impossible for man, is possible with God. I truly do believe He delights in the seemingly impossible. I would love to be fully funded. I would love for my staff to be fully funded. I would love for all of us to be focused solely on the ministry and not how our accounts are doing. But above all of that, I would love for God to be glorified. Pray that throughout all of our challenges and struggles that God would still receive the glory and that we would continue to always bring Him praise.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying.

God's grace is so incredibly good.

"I took you from the ends of the earth; from its farthest corners I have called you. I said, 'You are my servant'; I have chosen y ou and have not rejected you. So do not fear for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand." ~ Isaiah 41:9-10

My favorite bible verse. Well, one of them at least. I was thinking about my life today and all that God has done for me. Its crazy to know that God has chosen me and brought me around the world specifically for His purposes. I know I will never truly understand who I've impacted and how I've made a difference on their lives. I am excited for that day in heaven when I realize how I've impacted specific people around the world. Anyway, I've been having a lot of personal realizations. Its crazy that sometimes we pray for God to make us better in one area or to take control over an aspect in our lives, and when we backslide we seem to think that God isn't doing anything. Or we think that we will never be healed or never change. At least that's always my thought process. Well I was praying through some things last night and I realized that I'm still struggling with them. My first reaction was to cry out "God, why won't I ever change? Why am I still the same, doing the same things and never making any improvements??" God quickly reminded me that I'm imperfect and always will be until that day I'm with Him in paradise. All I can do is see where I need work and continue to rely on Him. He promises in Isaiah that He will strengthen and help us. He will uphold us with his righteous right hand. I used to only pray that for my ministry. Now I'm praying that for my life.

We are going to have times of struggle and difficulty. God calls us to rely on and trust in Him. He never tells us that the one time we seek Him all of our problems would be solved and we would be incredible perfect people. I do believe that God has the power to heal and drastically change us once we ask him. But I also believe that there are specific areas He allows us to struggle with so that we can continue to see His grace and understand more of Him.

Anyway, with all that being said... I'm thankful for the times I screw up. God isn't finished with me and now I'm beginning to see His grace all the more in my life.

This is just one of my many lessons I'm learing in my time here. I'm glad God had to take me completely out of my element just to reveal more of His truth to me. Be encouraged. God isn't finished with you yet. You will slip up and make mistakes... He uses them to teach us lessons.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. Miss you. Love you.

Finish Strong

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles, and let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us.--> Hebrews 12:1

I'm trying to finish strong. I need to persevere. Its hard... I'm beginning to remember all of the things I miss from home. I miss my own room, my own bed, DRIVING... but I'm also doing plenty of things that I can and never will do in the States. As gross as they are and can be, I LOVE riding in the jeepneys. I love that I can start up spiritual conversations with anyone on campus. I love that I have experienced extremely difficult things in my life and God is using them as ways to connect with people.

This past week was s challenging one. I last wrote about how I was sick and incredibly exhausted. I look back on all the things I was able to do, and I'm amazed. Monday was awesome. Laura and I gave our testimonies in front of a 4th year Food Sciences class. They paid attention and actually engaged with us after we were finished speaking. To know that we have to the freedom to speak about the Lord in a classroom is still something I don't think I've fully processed.

All I can think about right now is how good God truly is. I'm excited to come home and truly realize all that I've experienced and how I've grown. A friend of mine encouraged me this morning with the story of Jesus and Peter walking on water. He reminded me that Peter probably didn't realize how awesome his experience was until he got back into the boat. I'm excited to look back and see how much further along I am in this crazy but incredibly wonderful journey with Christ. I think that's all I got for right now. I'm tired, yet I have to get my day started. I will hopefully update again soon. Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. See you in the states soon.

PS Please continue to pray for me. I need the encouragement to finish strong. I want to persevere but its beginning to get hard.

The Lord's plans are not always mine...

Being sick is not the best way to start off Week 3.

I have finally caught a cold out here in Manila. But I am planning on pressing on despite of how crappy I feel right now. Today, I have been yet again amazed by the people God has surrounded me with. I had a prayer meeting with Ate Jean, Ate Luce, Laura and Abby(a staffer who is leaving her ministry position at University of the Philippines). All of these women are incredible. Watching their faith has encouraged me greatly. As I listened to them pray, I noticed that each one of them began to cry a little as they poured out their hearts to our amazing Heavenly Father. Just watching them become real with God challenged me in my prayer life. Why don't I pray with such emotion? It was incredibly evident that they believed God hears their words and answers their prayers. I love it. I am truly surrounded by prayer warriors.

This past weekend is just another testimony to how God's plans are not my own. Friday we did not expect many students to attend our high school meeting. Over 30 12-14 year olds came and hung out with us for hours. I shared my testimony in front of the large group, and then we had small group time to discuss important parts of my story... I was hoping they would see how I met the Lord and hopefully apply certain parts of that to their lives... but many of them (if they paid attention), focused on how I lost my mother at a young age...etc. Anyway, we had our discussion time, I was a bit discouraged when I realized that these students were all about living a life of rituals and did not care about having a true faith. I will continue to pray for them because God is infinitely bigger than rituals and has the power to impact lives...even when I think its impossible.

Saturday, we had planned on having three different groups of students over for fellowship times... and that definitely didn't happen. Just when we were giving up on the day, a girl named Sheril from PUP texts me and says she's bringing 8 of her friends with her from class. Our time together started out as games and fun and quickly turned into complete openness about our lives and the hard stuff we have to face. We then talked about how to deal with extremely hard circumstances. I was able to share about my life and how I've seen God's faithfulness throughout everything. It was an incredible time. I am amazed how these girls didn't know us and became very honest about their lives with us. We cried and prayed together. It was incredible. I hope and long for times like these among my friends in the States.

Pray for tonight. I am getting ready to go to PUP tonight and we will be meeting up with students all day. Also we have been asked to share our testimonies and the gospel in front of a 4th year nutrition science class. Pray for me as I am not feeling well but going to campus because this opportunity doesn't happen often.

Thanks for reading. Thanks for praying. Love and Miss you.

It Breaks My Heart...

I wish that everyone would see and believe that God is not this "thing" that is far away and removed from our lives... He's personal and did EVERYTHING POSSIBLE to have a relationship with us. Romans 6:23 says, "For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life through Christ Jesus our Lord."

The Philippines is a country with 80-90% Christian faith.... and by that I mean its about 80-90% Catholic. That sounds awesome...but after having spiritual conversations with people, my heart is completely broken. There are huge barriers between those who are Catholic and those who are Protestant. Those who follow the Catholic faith do not get along with Protestants. It is extremely looked down upon to be "Born Again"..aka, Protestant. Many believe that Protestants are here to convert people and change their way of life. Not so. I love that this country is Catholic. I just wish people took their faith personally and not just as a religion they assume they are apart of because of tradition. Many people do the whole church thing because its how they are raised. They have heard about Christ, and how we are saved because of His amazing sacrifice on the cross. What they don't understand is having faith... not just religion. Many believe in God, but do not have faith in Him. Confusing, I know...but simply believing in God is not enough.

1John 5:11-12 says, "And this is the testimony: God has given us eternal life, and this life is in his Son. He who has the Son has life; he who does not have the Son of God does not have life." I talked about this verse with a few high school students the other day, and they honestly couldn't tell me if they believed had eternal life. Going to church and participating in traditions eludes them to believe they are saved. They have no faith. They just go through the motions. I shared my testimony at high school youth group last night. I shared with them how I would just go through the motions. I thought that was how you were a good person and a good Christian. My "faith" at that time was void. Once I gave my life to Christ and truly believed in Him, I started to understand why I went to church, why I prayed, why I read my bible, etc... There's more to church than sitting in a building and reciting prayers that mean nothing to you. Thats all these students do. They don't understand what they do and have no real motives for doing it. I asked them why but they had no answer for me. It makes me so sad to know that people will blindly do something because its what they have been told to do. They won't explore it and truly fall in love with it.

Please continue to pray for the Filipino students I am encountering. Pray that they won't continue to live in the motions and have a faith that is void. Pray that they will let Christ not only be their Savior, but Lord of their lives. Pray for me as well because I'm facing a lot of fatigue. Meeting people is amazing, but trying to communicate through a language barrier becomes very challenging and tiring. I love what I do and I love all the people I meet. The Filipinos are very warm and inviting. They will talk to you about almost anything. Praise God.

Jeremiah 31:33b "I will put my law in their minds and write it on their hearts. I will be their God and they will be my people." He is ours and we are His.

Thanks for reading & praying. Love you. Miss you.